I don't care anymore.

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xLpfbcXTeo8   Phil Collins has so many great lyrics that resonate with me.  

And this is the non swearing version of how I feel lately.   I'm not thinking "I am quitting this job ASAP"  and I'm trying to still keep taking care of what needs to be done at work.   But with dad having left this mortal coil I DO have in my mind.   "I could sell this metro area priced place and with that and my retirement account I could live just fine with a small house and acreage somewhere where real estate is not so expensive and I would not need to work at all"   So I no longer care if management feels I am doing enough.  I wouldn't care if they eliminated my position.     

And about the same with the siblings.   I could move to WY and develop my property but I'm just not as emotionally close to my sister as I used to be.  Maybe I will check out property in Utah and see what is available that already has stuff done. 

Arghhhh, Capitol One

 They called me today to say there is a 57xx balance on dad's card.  I about had a panic attack.   I think they must have canceled the 58xx payment I made onApril 14 to settle his card as well as the 1xx interest + late fee from it not being paid in March because I had started to pay the full balance and then hit cancel thinking it was fine to just have auto pay pay what was due in March but that apparently canceled the march autopay.    I was being soooo good to pay the card balance off before calling them to cancel the card and they apparently have to make things hard.  

If that is not it I am going to be extremely angry at someone or some entity for a phony charge on the card, but right now I am fairly sure that is it.   And Wells Fargo won't let me get into dad's checking online to see what happened.   I am waiting to close the WF checking until I get the insurance switched to my account but I had figured it would be better to do the title transfers before calling National insurance company.

This after I was so pleasantly surprised by how helpful the life insurance company that could not find dad's policy record when I had called a month ago was this morning.   It is a very old policy that is on its 3rd or 4th company and the account #s don't match exactly and I was going off an older # when I called them before.  

Resentment torments my heart

 I try to fight off resentment but the sibs aint' making it easy lately.   I'm sure it wouldn't ruin their health to send me a few texts letting me know they got their checks and whatever paperwork I sent them. 

yesterday I did nothing but play phone games all day.  I can't do that again,  my back is still unhappy today.   I guess I'll have to suck it up and try to network with people to go riding and stuff.    I'm very barn sour lately.  

I don't absolutely need stuff yet but I should have gotten some things at Walmart today but I could not convince myself to go.   At least I rode my baby loop at home on Tanza this evening.   Good thing I did not delay it.  We had a short rain storm a bit after I put Tanza away and got the mini's fed.  

I schlepped to AT&T to get the DirectTV canceled on Friday.

 I mostly lazed around today.   Sis got me hooked on Zen Word and then I got myself hooked on a tile match game.  I tried several games that looked fun in the ZW ads but weren't my cup of tea but the tile match is rather like the Mahjong solitaire game that was on my work computer decades ago that I really enjoyed.  

I'll have to quit wasting so much time playing the phone games but it was snowy and wet today and I decided getting the thank you cards done was enough.   I did a tiny bit of sorting cards and photos in the downstairs office.   I'm not ready to give all that stuff the BiL treatment.   The gun room does look nice now.   Hardly a gun room anymore now that he and sis took almost all of the  reloading equipment and guns.   I have a thought of offering the Bugle and hunting magazines to the neighborhood folks and blog's gun thread.   I would much rather give them to folks to read than just toss or burn them but I do want to get out from under all those shelf eating magazines.   I need to give away or toss my endurance magazines as well.  I did find I can skip some of the ads on Zen Word, thank goodness, as they have ads every couple of word games. 

I will have to figure out how to hook up the VCR, DVD etc to the TV and maybe buy a universal remote, the directTV one is not playing nicely with the DVD so far. 

Gaah, burning several magazines at once is always so smoky.

 I felt like I needed to burn before sis got here.  LOL,  I am not even burning the magazines that dad has 30 years of.  Just some misc ones.   But I will probably start burning the older ones too unless sis and B take them and they have no shelf space for them.  

More generally I am having to work to quash feelings that sibs and their spouses are being greedy snots.  It is a good thing that B wanted Dad's pickup.  I can probably buy it with a family discount if I need to replace my 350, and I certainly don't need to try to maintain two pickups plus two cars.   But pbbttt to sis thinking I needed to find the title and shit.  She can do that while she is here,  there is no reason I have to do ALL the grunt work for settling the estate after doing the grunt work of getting dad cared for for 18 months.  I PAID mom and dad and then dad a pretty decent rent living here all these years. 

p.s.   Wednesday, day after they left was a bad day for me.  Lots of ugly crying, I was having a mini meltdown, straw that started that was sis not finding a Thank-you card and addressing it to B's boss that sent flowers.  I was sooooo mad at him for not telling his boss to wait and send flowers for dad's memorial in ND,  or even the one we will do here.  What do I want with flowers when there is no gathering of folks to see them?!  But men are clueless, they are doing the best that they can.   

Mostly mad that of course I AM stuck with settling the estate, I know it only makes sense geographical wise but sis managed to dodge almost all of it.  She made ONE call to one insurance agency and sorted out that *I* have to just request it as the estate and send in mom's death certificate as well as dad's as mom was the primary beneficiary.   I knew dad spent plenty of time sorting out mom's insurance polices and retirement account but it all so full of legalese and time consuming to do. 

Going through some of the junk in the downstairs office

 I'm just gathering the low hanging fruit.  Throwing out a bunch of padded and large size envelopes where the labeling to send to us is large and might cause confusion if one tried to ship anything in them.  It's not like I am sending out pictures or glass or anything.  Also picking out old paper envelopes and some old handouts and whatnot of moms to burn when the wind quits.   The goal is to get to point of having the desk area available for doing paperwork.

The wind died down some so I burned a bunch of paper and some magazines.  It was smoking when I went to get Lady's sr pellets.  Stirring got to to burn again.  I'll probably have to keep stirring it a few times.   That is the problem with large amounts of paper, they squish together and don't all burn.

I wasn't hungry earlier but now feel like I need to grab some quick tuna salad before I go out and either ride or just do burn baby burn.  

I should to force myself to go get groceries and cash

 I don't absolutely need to do it today but its too cold and windy for any outside stuff so it would be good to get the shopping done so if it's nicer than expected tomorrow I won't have 'I should run to town' hanging over me at all.

I have to run to the Thornton AT&T on Monday to try and cancel direcTV, so maddening, I went Thursday and the guy at the local store said "you have to go to a corporate store, we are only retail and can't handle death certificates.  So stupid that I can't just cancel the service but I don't have the magic PIN for it and they won't cancel just based on the home address, ph # and SS#s of the parents.   So then I went to Verizon because they were just a block away and getting Verizon home phone service switched from dad to me so that bill won't hit his CC anymore was a two day process because I had a credit freeze.  I'm still like "why do you need to run a credit check?  I'm not financing a 1.5K smart phone I could give you my CC # for the monthly billing" but I suppose they just run the check for everyone.   So I am thinking that I will be way too frustrated on Monday to want to do any shopping after dealing with the TV cancellation even though I'll be driving right through town. 

Cuz I should also make multiple calls on Monday to banks and again to insurance agencies, GRRRRR on how hard it is to get them to send a check after they collected premiums all those years.  Blech,  I know I should be more proactive getting this shit settled but then again dad had no debts and I have no creditors hounding me.   If sis and bro want dough faster they can offer to help.    I want to cancel the TV service before sis arrives so she can't suck me into watching for hours.  I haven't had any desire to turn the TV on the last 2-3 weeks but if it is on past experience shows that I will start watching and get nothing done.   Of course I could fudge a bit and just disconnect the box and say I canceled it already but it will just be easier if I can honestly say I canceled it.  Maybe I should pull the boxes anyway and bring them with me just in case DirecTV wants them back.